We need to talk. I feel like I have tried everything I can possibly try to get us to a place of understanding, but there’s only so much I can do when only one out of two people are willing to try a more emotionally intelligent approach. I have loved you since I was a kid, but I’m starting to feel like I will have to just love you from a distance. I no longer feel safe with you. You drive me insane. One minute everything is great, and the next minute I want to break the screen when I am on the phone with you. I really hate the fact that we have such horrible communication issues. I try really hard to practice the things that I learn and have a civilized, mature, and insightful conversation, but you just refuse to do that with me. To my twin flame… I just want to let you know that I am at the edge of extinguishing this flame for good. And once I make that choice, there will be no coming back from that. Wait, maybe I’ve already decided.
Everything I say to you gets flipped into something completely different. I am so sick and tired of constantly having to explain myself like 30 times just to come up short anyway. It doesn’t matter what I say, you still run with whatever it is you think I say. I notice that you do a lot of selective listening/reading. You pick and choose what it is you want to hold on to and then, you use it to arrive at your own conclusions. You misconstrue my words quite often. To make things worse, you’re often trying to diagnose me, and it looks like you do it in order to take the attention off yourself. Is it because you don’t want me to see your flaws, your traumas, your vulnerability, and your true self? Because, if that’s the case, then you should know that I already see these things. I see them when I experience you during a confrontation.
You drain me. You’re close-minded, you’re negative, your views on strength are skewed, and your logic is flawed. I have had to learn how to block your energy because you really know how to get under my skin. You often want me to process things the way you process them, and anything different from your perspective is just absurd to you. Can you listen for once? You don’t listen in order to gain insight and understand where I am coming from, you only listen so you can attach yourself to anything I say that will allow you to argue your point.
Everything I say, you use against me, and this is why I don’t trust you. You call me all the names that you wear as garments…such as broken, negative, sick in the head, traumatized, and unhealed. You only ask me personal questions to gain ammunition. Do you really think I am going to ever trust you again with personal information? I love you so much, but I love me more. Anyone who is adamant about provoking me to step out of self-control is toxic and does not deserve any part of me, no matter how much I love them.
You Drain Me. You call me all the names that you wear as garments.– LadyX
You have a tough exterior, but it’s still transparent. You are the mirror of my past, and I can see parts of who I was and parts of who I did not want to be. Maybe it’s not my place to make you see and realize these things. Maybe I need to leave you completely alone and hope that life shows you how toxic your behavior is and maybe, just MAYBE, you can discover how you played a huge part in the failure of your previous relationships.
You asked me how I can go from being deep in love to leaving the relationship and everything that has been built so easily. My answer is this: I can be deeply in love with someone and still choose my well-being over them. I will never stick around to be verbally abused every single time we have a disagreement. The fact that you can’t stop hitting below the belt is a huge red flag to me. I have asked you time and time again to stop that shit. For years I have asked you to change the way you communicate when you’re in disagreement with me. But the truth is, you have no self-control, you have not done any real internal work, and you’re a narcissist.
Your behavior is a clear indication to me that all this healing and growth you claim to have accomplished isn’t real. Have you actually seen a therapist? Oh wait, I remember now… you once shamed and ridiculed me after I shared that I had a therapist that was helping me work through my traumas. You did it during another fight when you decided to bring it up as a way to belittle me; as a way to make me feel like I needed a therapist because I was emotionally weak. The fact that you can’t shut the fuck up for a second and listen to another voice other than yours, and more importantly, your inability to listen to others with an intent to have healthy dialogue tells me everything I need to know about your current stage of self-development and growth. You give yourself away every single time we have a disagreement.
You know what the definition of insanity is, right? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results each time. I have yet to see you try a different approach when you disagree on something with me. You do the same shit over and over. You start off with subliminal jabs, usually referring to something about me that I’ve either shared with you, or you pass off a perception about me as fact. Then, you tell me that I am out of control and that I am the weak, immature, and negative one whenever I start to call you out and defend myself. You then tell ME to control myself because I am rebutting all of your stupid arguments with logic.
I could forgive and move on, but not after you have shown me for the umpteenth time that you fight dirty, you don’t have any compassion or kindness for anyone, even for those you claim to love. If this is how you fight, I want no parts of that. This is where you completely lose me. I have zero desire to be with someone who would easily tear me to shreds if we ever had a disagreement. If nothing ever changes, then we would be insane to continue trying after this.
I love you, but I love me more.– LadyX
This is my goodbye letter to a person that no longer exists. That kid that had my heart died a long time ago, and I have finally come to terms with the fact that the person you are today is not the person I once knew. I am not attracted to this person in the least bit, and I am ready to accept this loss. I am ready to take my heart off your hands and place it back into my own. You do not dwell in my most intimate heart space anymore, and I’ve decided to disconnect from you for good.
Maybe the cord-cutting wasn’t done in a previous life, but I will for sure be doing that in this one. You are not good for me, and I am not good for you. Please be well. Please be healed. Please be happy. I guess I’ll see you next lifetime.
Your grieving twin,