I hope this letter finds you well. I want to be honest with you and tell you how I really feel about you and our friendship. I’m sorry I am not such a good friend. I am distant, not always present when my presence counts, and I also don’t check on you. I watch you from afar, and I do not make myself a part of your life when I have the chance to. To all the friends in my life, I am truly sorry.
I feel like I can’t afford to be a good friend to you. The reason why is because being a good friend to you sometimes means I have to expend my energy, and frankly, I feel like no one expends theirs for me. I have so much to do, and I am often overwhelmed and drained to the point where I just don’t have time to pay attention to you. I feel like no one pays attention to me for the most part. Sometimes I wish I had a tight-knit circle of friends like Carrie did in Sex And The City. You know, the kind of friends you meet up with regularly to discuss and do life with. Truth is, I somewhat lost faith in people a really long time ago. When I was younger, I had that group of friends. We did everything together, and we kept up with each other’s lives. However, somewhere down the line, some people grew apart, some betrayed each other, and some abandoned others. Because of my experiences, I’ve struggled to keep women friends in particular for a long time.
I was abandoned multiple times
The first time I remember you abandoning me was when I was about 7 or 8 years old. Your mom told you we weren’t allowed to be friends anymore because you lied and told her I cut your hair so you wouldn’t get in trouble. You were the one who cut your own hair. After this incident, you stopped being friends with me. I didn’t realize until later on in life that being cast in a negative light from childhood all the way until I became an adult affected me. I was treated as an option, a negative influence on others, not good enough, etc.
The next time you abandoned me was in high school. Your mom told you to stop associating with me because I’d made the conscious decision to stop attending Jehovah’s Witness meetings. We had grown close throughout the years, and you were my best friend, or so I thought. I remember when I asked you why you stopped talking to me, and you told me that your mom and dad told you to, and you were not going to go against your parents. Not only did you stop talking to me when your parents were around my mom, you also stopped talking to me in school. That was the most hurtful shit ever.
The last time you did me wrong was during my early 20s. I started taking classes at your dance studio, and we became fast friends. I thought we shared a certain level of closeness. We talked about personal stuff, guys we were dating, we’d go over ideas to make your studio better, and you even taught me how to do my makeup like a pro. I was very invested in growing our friendship because you and I connected and we got along great. Everything changed when we decided to take a trip together to NY. You made it clear you didn’t want me to stay with you because you wanted to spend one-on-one time with your boyfriend that lived there. Your dad didn’t know you had a boyfriend over there, so I covered for you and told him we were staying with my dad. I had asked another one of my friends to host me and she agreed, but when I got to NY, she stopped responding to me, and I suddenly had no place to stay. My dad and I were not on good terms at the time. When I told you what was going on, you made no attempt to help me, you left me to fend for myself, and then you accused me of lying about securing a place to stay at. You thought I was trying to force you into letting me stay with you and your boyfriend. This trip completely soured our relationship, and nothing was the same after we came back. Once again, you bowed out and completely abandoned the relationship.
I really am not the bad guy here…
So you see, it’s not that I feel entitled or I’m trying to be selfish and inconsiderate of you. I’m simply sick of your shit. I don’t want to deal with your letdowns and your assumptions of me. I don’t want to invest my time in women who make me feel like I am just a place holder until a better friend comes by. I am valuable, I am a damn good friend, and I’m loyal to the end. If you can’t see that and you can’t value the time I spend with you and the energy I share with you, then I simply have no time for you. At this point in my life, I realize that you are not the only friend in the world, and I am perfectly capable of finding way better friends than you. I can connect to other women and not fear that they will do what you did to me. I don’t have to live in the past, replaying how you abandoned me all those years ago. Not everyone is like you. Most importantly, I am not who I was all those years ago.
Listen, I understand we act according to what we know. Therefore, I will not cast judgment now and treat you as if you were the same person from all those years ago. I just choose not to invest my time into you anymore. I truly hope you grew into a loving person that holds herself accountable for her actions. I hope you are not only treating your friends better but yourself as well. These days, I get the urge to send everyone love and light. We all need it. So, I’m sending you lots of love and light, and I’m letting everything go. I don’t want to carry this with me to my present or my future. My choice is to open my heart once more and have meaningful connections with women.
Lovingly and Honestly,