Performance Anxiety, I hate you with everything in me. You have been the reason why I have not reached the top of my mountain. I should have reached it by now. But you always have to poke your ugly head out and ruin everything for me. Today I went to my yoga teacher training class and I was in a positive mood, ready to face the challenges of the day and ready to learn. Instead, when I was surprised with having to actually come up to the front of the room to teach a section of the class sequence, you decided to pay me a visit right then and there and you humiliated me.
Why? Why can’t you just leave me alone?
More than anything, I wish to just be a normal person. I don’t want to be anxious. I hate having to deal with you on a daily basis. You make me forget everything, you make me cry, you make me look incompetent all the time.
I am competent! I can easily be one of the best!
Why won’t you just let me be?
I would love to continue this Yoga Teacher training but you are leaving me with no choice other than to back away. I have so much going on and I can’t afford to fail right now. You keep messing with my mental health and my awareness of what you are doing is actually making me very angry. Very angry.
I would love to step up to the front of a classroom one day and just be able to remember the things I can typically remember when I am at home. I would love to get called out in class and be able to demonstrate a piece of choreography I have learned and just smash it out the park. I would love to not ever have to feel that stupid pain in my stomach, nor do I want to fall asleep involuntarily from the amount of adrenaline running through me.
Seriously, F**k you. I just want you gone. Out of my life, for good.
NOT Yours truly,
LadyX
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Comments
I am sorry, I can relate to you. I also have anxiety and it’s debilitating at times. I believe you can overcome this, at least to a point where it doesn’t mess up with your life and career. I was told that anxiety is beat when I learn how to not care about what others think. In part (big part) that is true. It takes time, confidence, courage, forgiveness and trust (a lot of forgiving and trusting myself). You got this!
You know, I definitely agree with this because since I started this journey of self-healing, I have been working more and more on just doing what I want to do because I want to do it without paying attention to what other people think and I have been feeling more powerful when it comes to controlling my condition. I will take your kind words of encouragement into consideration, thank you!